I am Fat
“I’m not anorexic, I do eat.”
Hmm on another note “I would rather die skinny than live to be fat and ugly”
But what is fat?
How many times have we heard a friend or a sister or a relative or someone we know, who is far too skinny, but you cant point out where the issue is?
Or someone who looks just fine but skips dinner and has weird eating habits?
Or the new obsession over workout where people seem to spend their entire day and focus on only one thing “being extremely perfect”?
Doesn’t it sound a bit bizarre? Or inhuman?
I don’t think I would know at this stage. Or would I? I have read far too much, gone from one phase to the other, mastered hiding it so well by knowing far too much (as usual) that everyone around me seems to believe I’m fine.
I remember being 14, sort of muscular from all the tennis trainings and kind of what the fashion world or society for that matter would call today “Fat”?
I was in high school, dumped, and I remember my friends and mother’s clear advice “you got to lose weight”
But I love food!
So how do I start?
3 meals a day, almost every day.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner.
In a month, it actually becomes: Breakfast, lunch
A couple more weeks its: breakfast
I remember days when the last time I would have eaten would be two weeks ago.
“How can you accuse me? You see me eat, I’m not starving myself.”
Then my best friend taught me her trick: drink water, stick your finger, and get it out.
It’s amazing how much lettuce you can eat and keep below 100 calories, the soups you can make at 50-100 calories per serving. The meals you can make and show people you eat to calm them down.
I’m a master at these meals. I’ve read everything there is to anorexia and bulimia. Hell I even diagnosed friends with it and helped them all I can.
But how do I help me?
“I’m not anorexic, I do eat.”
Well, I am fat now. I am somewhat between 41-43 Kgs. Yes I wouldn’t know exactly, because I have a weight-scale phobia. I’m short and I haven’t got the slender skinny long legs… Total distorted body image. Raise your hand if you feel the same (Yeah don’t we all)
I look at myself in the mirror, find the fat, find the places where more pounds can be shed, tell myself that I’m not unhealthy, I’m still safe, there is no reason to stop yet.
I know I’m wrong.
I know I’m reaching a point where it becomes dangerous, I remember the anemia, the bad immune-system, the never-ending line of illnesses from the last time I was here.
I feel it closing in, I know the feeling in my bones.
Not there yet, but soon.
Some days I try to fight it, force myself to eat. I tell myself off, try to get some sense into my stubborn head.
Most times I loose, the food I promised myself becomes a tiny cracker with tomato, tea, a piece of fruit, something like that. Or a huge binge that ends down the drain.
I’m not gonna go there again, I’m going to start eating, I’m not going to keep on like this, I am gonna find another way of feeling the control.
I hope they raise the awareness in this country to matters like this, where a simple distorted self image leads to a disease, in a society where only outer appearances matter and not real causes. I can name a list of both guys and girls with various types of eating disorders from Mild to severe, from Obsessive-compulsive workouts to starvation, bingeing and purging.
You are not alone.